Some things can progress over time and grow so slowly that it’s hard to notice a change. Some things happen so fast that it seems impossible. Things like bone tumors. My wonderful baby girl, Nugget, is the only do give ever had. We got her from a friend who had rescued her from an abusive home and we’ve loved her every day since. It’s been about 10 years since we got her, and she’s been my best friend through it all. When my mom and dad thought she smelled or my sister thought she shed too much, I would lay with her and pet her until she knew she was more loved than any other dog in the world. I told her all my secrets and all my stories, and I asked for her permission every time we got a new cat. She’s been through all of life’s big changes with me, and I’m honestly so scared not to have that anymore.
She seemingly injured her front leg about a month ago, and when we took her to the vet they said she had tennis elbow (in a dog?!) and that she just needed to take anti inflammatory pills. That didn’t help, so blood work was done, but nothing abnormal was found. Then, yesterday she had x-rays taken. There is a large, extremely aggressive tumor in the bone near her shoulder, and it is causing her excruciating pain — pain that a human would find intolerable. She still walks around, just with a limp, and she acts like it’s just a hurt paw or something. She’s so strong and brave, and in so proud of her, but I feel so, so guilty that she’s had to live with this pain for so long without help. I wish there was something I could do to show her that it’ll all be alright, and that I’m sorry, and that I really do love her, but I’m just praying that she already knows all that. Although they could amputate the leg very high up and give her chemo, the result would only give her about a year, during which she would still be in extreme pain. That solution is more for us than for her, and that doesn’t seem fair. I can’t imagine living with the pain she’s in, and I think it’s only fair to her to give her a calm, peaceful ending that sends her into heaven, walking on all four legs. I don’t know how I’ll be able to sit on our dock and watch the fish that she loved to chase without crying, and I don’t know how I’ll be able to live in a house without four million yellow hairs, but I need her to be happy. I need it to be fair to her, and keep her in the most comfort we can.
I’m falling apart just thinking about Saturday, and my heart is destroyed thinking about life without Nugget.
I love you, Nug. Now and for forever.