I’ve been struggling recently with the state of my life. I’ve caused a lot of problems and made a lot of mistakes in my life, but things have always worked out for me. My parents are exceptionally accommodating and beyond understanding. Every time something goes wrong in my life, they seem to know what’s wrong before I even tell them, and they already have a solution planned out. I’m so lucky to have the parents that I do, because I honestly don’t know where I’d be without them. The only problem is, I’m nineteen years old and I still rely on my parents to solve my problems. It’s not that I necessarily rely on them to fix things, but they’re so good at it, and so ahead of the game, so before I even have to worry, everything is taken care of. I would never wish for something bad to happen, or to be in a bad situation, but sometimes I wonder if I’d even be able to handle things myself or survive on my own if it came to that. (I just mean if they wouldn’t help, not that that they wouldn’t be around.) I appreciate everything that they do for me and I really am blessed with amazing parents, but sometimes I feel babied and unable to solve my own problems, and I can’t help but wonder if I’d even get through on my own.
That brings me to the title of this post. Identity. Who am I? I don’t know if I’m even capable of being on my own, and on top of that I don’t know who I would be if I was on my own. If I had to make every decision on my own, what would my life look like? If I didn’t have help, would I ever reach happiness or success in any area of life?
I know who I want to be. I know that I want to be independent and strong. I want to be confident, simple, loving, helpful, focused. I want to be someone who has their shit together. Right now, I’m far from that. I am a very loving person at heart, and I truly do care about people. However, I’m also judgmental and sarcastic, traits that outwardly project hostility and make me seem rude to those who don’t know me. I’m also an extreme exaggerator, so those traits get played up a ton. I love simple clothing, but I feel a need internally to impress others and it seems like you can only do that with designer names and over-the-top purchases. I want to be strong and solve my own problems, but like I said, I rarely get the opportunity — and I’m not going to turn down my parents’ help. I want to be a powerhouse at school and work, but I’ve been struggling with lack of motivation and slight depression for the past couple of years which has seemingly blocked my ambition.
I know exactly who I want to be, and where I want to end up, but I’m not sure how to get there. It seems like every time I try, it get’s ignored, or it’s not enough. It’s hard to change people’s idea of you and to have higher expectations of you, and I’m struggling with that. I know that it takes time and effort, but it’s extremely frustrating. The two things I definitely know about myself are that I’m impatient, I want my life to come together in an instant, and that I definitely care about others’ opinions; not traits that I necessarily admire.